Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize