I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
