i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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