kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
