It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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