I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
