There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
