I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
