is your mom at the bar?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
