She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
