Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
