i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
