My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
