So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
