He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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