I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
