I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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