do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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