Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
