every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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