tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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