I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
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