my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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