I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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