I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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