Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
