White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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