I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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