your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My vagina is officially offended.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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