I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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