I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
