Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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