You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
