How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
