if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
