At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
