Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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