the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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