woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
