I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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