i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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