rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
