Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
