JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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