Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize