put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
