The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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