My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Randomize
