So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
