i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
