My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
even my farts smell like vagina
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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