I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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