yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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