u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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