Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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