No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
