I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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