My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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