i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
