Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
