Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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