if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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