What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
