If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
